It has been over a month since my last post. I have not forgotten you. In fact, I think of you often. I think a lot about what I could write about. Some things feel too personal or too preachy or too boring. But one thing I have been thinking a lot about this month feels just right.
If you know me..... I think I just found a tiny dead worm in my salad.
If you know me, you probably know my mom died a while back. It seems to come up eventually. It's something I carry with me and sometimes I take it out to show other people. Look, see? I had a mom. She died. Breast cancer. I was 21. I am still sad about it. Then I put it back in my pocket.
You may also know, that I have been to a few mediums. I have always had an interest in psychics, mediums, ghosts, the paranormal, all that stuff, since I was a little girl. When I was a kid, I only wanted books from the library that were ghost stories, and I watched tons of Scooby Doo episodes. Forever disappointed that it was never really a ghost or a monster, just someone in a costume.
Long story short, recently, a friend of mine urged me to go with him to see a medium. He had seen the medium before and said she had changed his life. She is in New Jersey, my friend is in Beacon. So he made an appointment for each of us on November 4th. I drove the hour down to Beacon and jumped in his car and he drove us to New Jersey.
This friend of mine is a friend from college. We lived in the same dorm, the only dorm at our small school. He always listened to great music. We were not close friends but thanks to Facebook we have been in touch and have come to know each other a little better. He has a brother who passed in a tragic boating accident. This brother is who he had gone to try to connect with when he first found this medium. And it changed things for him.
I don't remember the medium's name. Lynn something? I don't know what town we were in. I didn't much care for the details. I just wanted to spend the day with a new, old friend and go somewhere I had never been and maybe have my life changed, maybe not. Even more than I love going someplace new, I love to be taken someplace new.
My friend is a mystical kind of guy. I didn't know this before. And I was so thoroughly intrigued and entertained by him. Talking with him in the car there and back and over dim sum, made all things seem possible. Because he believes in some pretty far out things. And I believe in him. All in all, that day was a perfect adventure.
This medium, she was legit, I think. She told me a lot about my mom, a lot about how she died. She told me my mom is always with me, that she is always talking to me, comforting me or advising me. She said that my mom rests her hand on my right shoulder a lot. She also said that my mom likes to sit at my kitchen table, which I translated to my kitchen desk. We do have a desk with a chair in our kitchen but no table. It seems like an appropriate place to sit to observe things in my house. And whether this is true or not, I like to imagine her there now, keeping me company. I wish she would fold some laundry while she is sitting there.
But, here's the thing. I guess my big wish, every time I see a medium, is that they will say, "Your mom is with you. She wants to tell you how much she loves you, that she knows you miss her, that she is so proud of you, what a wonderful mother you are, how much she loves your son, that she is watching over him, and what a wonderful man you've married and the home you've created is so lovely. And you will see her again when it is your time to pass on. And she's never appeared as a ghost to you because..... And the person you should talk to about publishing your book is......." But that never happens. But this time, was the worst. She did not relay any of those messages, other than "your mother is with you". What she did say was, "Your mother says you're very uptight. You worry too much. Stop avoiding stressful situations, it's creating more stress in your life." What? Really? That's what she wants to tell me from beyond the grave? That I'm uptight? I know I'm uptight! And that I worry too much.
When I left, I felt annoyed. It is ultimately aggravating to sit down across from someone who may actually be talking to my dead mother, for only an hour and then hand them money and walk away. It is hard to walk away from someone who can talk to my dead mother. I want to talk to her. And I don't want to hear this bullshit about how uptight I am.
But, here's the other thing. I heard what she said. She the medium, or she, my mother, it doesn't matter really where the message came from, I heard it. And it was true. And it was important to hear and to take it in. She was right. And it was not news to me. But maybe, if that was what my mother felt it was most important to say in that moment, not that she was proud of me, but that I should chill out? Then maybe that was what would she thought would help me most. And maybe it was.
Since that day, I have thought a lot about how uptight I am, how worried, how caught up I am in all the things I can't figure out, that I have not accomplished, all the things that I am doing wrong, or not doing at all, should be doing, or shouldn't be doing. I am missing out on the moment. Which is also not a new thought, but one I forget. To be in the moment. This is where it's at. In this moment, I have an awesome life. I have this little boy who is four years old in this moment and he will not be four forever. Every day, he is older and is growing and changing. And HE is the very best thing I've done so far and the very thing I've wanted most in my life. And I am so proud of him. I love my husband, he is a great man. I love our house. I love this life. I am healthy. We are all, the three of us, healthy. These are amazing things and they can also change at any moment. But, in this moment, they are here, they are true and I am paying attention to them. Experiencing joy. I am allowed. It is important.
I have been letting go, and letting go, and letting go some more. There is no rush, there is no pressure, there is no deadline. I have been thinking about being led. Letting the Universe guide me and seeing where it is it will take me. I am open to the adventure and the experience. It feels good to step out of my head and into my shoes and walk, or sit, or lay flat on the floor and breathe. Just be.
For however long this lasts, I hope to be able to just let go and float with the tide. Trust that all is well. And if it doesn't seem quite right, it is just a bend in the road that will take me where I am meant to go. All the while, expecting joy and letting it in.
Deep breath.
And another.
Good job.
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