I just watched this video of a woman dancing around her home, draped in a sheer bit of fabric. Watch it and come back to me.
http://www.nowness.com/day/2013/11/27/3501/wild-rose
As I watched, I thought, how beautiful.... how lovely she is, how lovely the light is, how smooth that bit of sheer fabric would feel on my skin, how it would feel to dance like that, almost like a child, with no insecurity, just in the pleasure and appreciation of my body, of the fabric, of the light and the air.
I also thought, how self indulgent, she's too proud, she's being too provocative, people won't like it. Men will like it, women will not like it. Someone, I would say, some collective, has taught me to think that way. Has taught me to judge myself, to find my faults, to be ashamed of them, to hide them away. Not to be proud, or celebrate myself. To keep pleasure private. Especially the pleasure of celebrating my self. And to judge other women in the same way.
I love that this made me think so much. It was filmed and I suppose edited by a woman. And I am glad these two women took the time to play. To make this little film. Like a window to gaze through. Just a few moments, both strange and lovely.
It made me think about how I have cinched in my spirit over the years. How I have chipped away at rough edges and fluffed up the parts of me that I thought you'd like better. I have a sculpted personality now. I guess it is always in progress but so much has been done already. So many bits of me have been shaped. I imagine it is the same for all of us. We are taught how to behave. To sing quietly, to sit still, to be modest, to be humble, to be civilized. To go to sleep when everyone else goes to sleep at the sleep-over and not keep laughing deliriously. Because those girls won't talk to you again if you do. To wear what everyone else is wearing. Not to ask the wrong questions or say the wrong thing. Or misbehave.
I was disappointed that I cringed at all at that film. Why? Why should I? It's nonsense. Any cringe I felt was put there by someone else. I think it was lovely. And why not. Why shouldn't she (we) be lovely and proud and share those moments. Just like a child saying, "Look at me!" With my child, I respond, "Yes! Look at you! You are so wonderful!" Because he is. And I am. And you are. And everyone else can just get over it.
And that's good art.
